strange dreams of going blond

STRANGE DREAMS OF GOING BLOND. That’s right, not bald or white or gray even, but blond, yellow haired, and my eyes were turning blue too. Must be all these wintry mid-autumn days, or secret buried deep psychic fears of becoming one of them, the Estonians. Or maybe just looking at pictures of Philip Seymour Hoffman after watching Pirate Radio, and realizing he was pretty grizzly already at 42, and was that just natural aging, or the smack, or what was going on with him, and then he turned up dead on the LES (Lower East Side) in an apartment with a needle stuck in his arm. The year was 2014, the month February. I am losing track of all these years. The whole world of the 2010s is a swirling stormy North Sea tempest of uncertainty from which I am still emerging, dripping with angst. Even when Obama was in there, America was getting swallowed up by the Tea Party and all those nimrod Benghazi commissions, political circus followed by the greatest circus act of all. “You’re fired.” I can sort of remember those awkward silences by adults when I was a child at the mention of the words “LBJ,” “Vietnam,” “Chicago,” or “Nixon,” these topics were a no-go and mojo and party mood killer and now I more or less feel the same way about those days. People lost a lot of friends in those days, don’t forget, back when Philip Seymour Hoffman was a wee babe wetting his nappies, they went down in helicopters, and then many of the fellas who came back were unhinged, drinking outside the liquor store and talking about trophy hunting. I worked with someone whose father went to live in the Redwoods of California where he could hunt his own food and sleep in a hut beside his gun and live just like he did in the jungles, because he couldn’t get used to driving to the store to buy milk and frozen peas. I rather understand him. But that dread, that dread of being blond and blue-eyed. Someone told me in the dream that “this is part of your natural aging process.” You can imagine my relief to awaken brown haired and olive eyed, the Philip Seymour Hoffman aging process reversed. An excellent actor. May he rest well in peace.

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